I couldn’t even eat that pizza if I wanted to, it’s his. He made it for himself. He is going to have more when he gets home. If you eat his pizza, he will know, and he will be angry because it’s his and you ate it. There’s not enough for Erin. Erin can’t eat anymore. Not without him getting angry. Bad bad girl, always eating.
it’s measurement day,
but i ate ate ate so so so so so much yesterday. I made dinner, chicken and potatoes and vegetables, and then boyfriend came over ate we had toast, and he told me to make more when he left so he knew i’d eaten, so I did, thinking that he would know if i lied. I did I ate two pieces of toast. ffs. Guess I better go face the hideous beast I am.
I’m fucking sick. I’m fucking twisted as fuck. They say smoking weed brings about depression and schizophrenia. I know that there’s something wrong with me. I know that smoking weed when i’m by myself gets me lowlowlow. I do it to get low. I do it because I deserve to be that low. I deserve to want to die. I feel almost invincible when i’m like that. When i’m so low I truly hate who I am.. i don’t know it’s sick and it’s twisted and I workout and i count calories and I lie. I lie to my dad about eating, I tell him I ate all the time. It’s fucked. When people get high they usually get the munchies, but when i’m by myself, I’m not hungry for hours and hours. I don’t know. I live to get high, to feel low, to restrict, to eventually kill myself.
I look too fat. I look so fat when I’m not high, but when I am, and I work out, and I please that part of me, even though I hate myself, even though i’m low low low, i’m still high.
I get high, to hate myself, to find the motivation to improve. But fuck, some days I just can’t.
Idk where this post was going. I’m not high. It’s not smooth.
I can’t cut for a whole week. I can’t because i’m going to my mom’s for the whole weekend and she wants to go in the hot tub. The ones I did last week are barely fading. I’m scared that they won’t go away in time and my mom will see and my whole life will be ruined. Shit, the thought of not being able to cut makes me so anxious that I almost need to cut. Right this second. I’m so scared and I just need the relief I just need to let the anxiety out. I just have to feel something that isn’t fear. Please just let me sleep until the week is over.